Friday, February 21, 2014

Trying to Convince

Today I'm linking up with Kelly over at Kelly's Korner Blog for a blog topic on infertility. We didn't struggle with infertility and trying to conceive, but we did go through something a step before that I like to call 'Trying to Convince.' 

For the first five years of our marriage I desperately wanted to start trying to have a baby, and Howard wasn't ready.  I felt a deep deep calling to be a mom, and he wasn't there (in hindsight I'm glad he didn't feel called to be a mom ; ). 

There were times I had to recommit to him after thinking through 'What do I do if he decides he doesn't want kids at all?'  We had premarital counseling and had already talked through all of this, so it became very frustrating for me, especially when people asked "When are y'all gonna have kids?" or "Why aren't you trying yet?"  I was trying very very hard...trying to convince.  But I knew I loved and admired Howard so much, that he made me a better person and a better Christ follower, and there were those things I said to him called vows or something.  So, I just kept praying and reading scripture and went to grad school.

I want to encourage anyone else who might be 'trying to convince' that God's timing is beautiful.  In the challenges of losing a son and raising another, I can see now that  God used all those years  to strengthen our marriage.  It happened in the little ways, like just having a lot of time to have fun together.  There's something to be said for watching seasons of a show at a time on Netflix and going to the grocery store 'real quick' to make a fun dinner...the same night. 

All that time, and fun, and struggle, and all the things that go into marriage were seeds planted to help us get through the coming years of even more intense time, fun, and struggle.

Another huge blessing that came through waiting was our financial preparedness.  Howard was so wise to keep this as a priority, but I couldn't see it through my clouds of emotion.  Now that I am able to work less than 10 hours a week and spend so much time doing all of the mommy things I always dreamed of, I can't believe I would have missed this if I'd had things go my way (or what I mistakenly thought was my way) several years ago.

If you are in the midst of Trying to Convince, know that you're not alone.  People don't ever talk about it.  It's not recognized as a 'thing' in our society so full of 'things' and issues and disorders, etc.  But it's very real, and if you're going through it I encourage you on a few fronts:

1)  With your husband's (or wife's) permission, talk about it.  It's ok.  It doesn't mean your marriage is falling apart.  It means you have a real, live, human marriage. Everybody has something in theirs.  It takes a village to raise kids, probably because it takes a village to stay married. 

2)  Trust the Lord.  He GAVE you this spouse.  And he tends to know what He's doing.

3)  Because you can trust the Lord, you can trust your spouse.  Trust that the Lord is using his or her timing that's different from yours to bless you and your family in ways you can't see yet. 

4) Watch your verbiage.  You already have started a family.  You and your spouse are a family.  Use 'we' instead of 'I.'  Words are powerful and they can be a simple way to unslump yourself.

5)  Continue to have fun and be productive.  Once you do have a child, you will consider drastic and extreme measures like cancelling Netflix because you don't use it, going to the grocery store at 6:00am in the morning (did you even know grocery stores are open that early?!), and spending money you normally would have used for a Grande Caramel BrulĂ©e Latte on something called Butt Paste.

Photo by Nikki Peterson Photography


  1. Thank you for sharing your story!!! A lot of this resonates with me. One of the best I have read so far today.